This question is more complex than it was before cancer. I honestly don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve heard of others meeting “the one” during treatment and after. I’m boggled by that.
Who has the energy?
Who has the sex drive?
Who has the funds?
I’ve been a body I don’t recognize since my 35th birthday, which is when I believe the cancer started growing. That’s when my thyroid got out of whack and major weight gain occurred. Even though my energy was somewhat lacking, I was still dating back then.
I’ve had my heart shattered once and deeply hurt once. I had begun to date myself and take time for personal growth when the cancer beast reared its ugly head. Dating was not even a remote thought once the cyclone of appointments swept me up.
I’ve been 43 years old for a month and starting to feel lonely. My life has been so busy trying to heal, battling long-term side effects from chemo, surgeries and radiation, serious depression and anxiety, chronic pain, medical leave, then more surgery and now I’ve had time to really process all that has happened since the cancer call on 9/14/15.
Things won’t magically become all right once I meet the ‘right’ guy.
I can’t expect to find happiness through someone.
I can’t keep waiting for someone to take care of me.
I don’t think like the woman I once was either. I’m jaded. I don’t even watch romance movies anymore. I used to be a sucker for those. I don’t read trashy romance books anymore either.
It’s like a light switch was turned off once I was medically induced into menopause at 40. Losing so many body parts all at once did something to me. I feel hollow. The only thing that makes me still feel like a woman are my tears.
I hear all the time that “the right man will love you at your worst.” Well, I think many of you will agree that men are very visual creatures. Sure, I have a pretty face, but not a pretty body.
My body is scarred.
My body is numb in certain areas.
My body radiates and burns with pain.
My body is out of shape and struggling.
My body is utterly fatigued.
How can I date in such a low physical state? It was hard facing rejection when I was stick thin. I sure as hell can’t handle rejection looking and feeling like this.
I also realized that I can’t date a regular guy. I’ve nearly died. I’ve been through something life-shattering and life-altering. How do I make small talk about trauma? I don’t think lightly anymore.
Does that mean I need to meet someone also has/had cancer in order to relate? Hmm…
Until next time,
This post originally appeared on Life on the Cancer Train. It is republished with permission.