So I spent time this weekend with scanziety over something that isn’t even a scan nor is it a different thing or out of the ordinary. It is something I do quite often with my clinical trial where I go in every 3 months for CBC blood work — so not even tumor markers- and then I get a physical exam of my remaining breast and my mastectomy side and then I get my next 3 months of trial pills.

There is no rational reason for me to be fearful and thinking that I will be told “that’s not good” — nothing has changed, I haven’t had any weird side effects so thank God about all of that — and yet I am still consumed with this fear that something will happen to ruin our immediate vacation.

I have realized that I am thinking in terms of my kids all of the time — what mother doesn’t I guess — but for this cancer mama there is so much that I have no control over even more so than “normal” moms. What do I mean by that? Well, you see I feel guilty that I got sick. I know I didn’t make myself sick I know I didn’t ask to get sick but it happened and though it did affect me it also affected my kids — sometimes more and more…

So now with this random unnecessary scanziety I know what I have to do. I have to recenter away from how things such as bad Dr news affects my kids and instead just think about me — me the kickass person who said cut the boob off, who sat through 8 rounds of chemo with a smile on my stupid face and worked full time during it too then got laid off then went through radiation and started sharing to help others in so many ways between career after cancer seminars the free kids book and sharing my story period.

I have to think about that because although my kids maybe couldn’t handle any bad news (God forbid) I know I can because I did … so I have to do some deep breaths and just know no matter what I will go to Sloan and then to my family vacation after. No matter what. This is what I do in the time between.