Day 316, Sunday, April 8, 2018

“Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and that I should bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?”

—Exodus 3:11

This is the question that Moses asked of God…”Who am I God?” Moses didn’t jump at the opportunity to do as God asked…Moses — like we often are…was doubtful of himself and extremely insecure…

The word transparency has been on my mind since last night…so you’ll have to forgive me if this next post doesn’t flow well or make sense…but I need to be transparent with you right now…

The last few months, I have been laying low for a few different reasons — trying to get back to my new normal after all the treatments ended has been hard…harder than I’ve been letting on…trying to adjust to my body that is now cancer-free but has been ravaged by toxins and steroids..extra weight..abnormal hormone levels…lungs that still struggle to take a deep breath after only a few minutes of exercise…

While everyone sees my hair growing back and me running around at work, getting back into training and working in kids’ ministry…what anyone rarely sees is that sometimes I still get light headed climbing from the bottom of our stairs to the top…or that sometimes in the morning I get so frustrated trying to get dressed for work because nothing fits me anymore and so I’m often late for work because I have to collect myself after crying and throwing myself a pity party…few people know that I can’t stand to look at pictures of myself right now…few people know that that I consistently and constantly HAVE to remind myself that I BEAT cancer and that my body has been through hell and its going to take YEARS before everything really works out of my system.

The recovery becomes less physical and then you are left dealing with the mental healing that needs to happen…every day is a battle with the Enemy who is trying to convince me that I am damaged, forgotten and rejected…that no one cares anymore because technically I’m not sick anymore and everyone has moved on…I don’t have it together all the time and I often have to fight to keep my old acquaintances depression and anxiety at bay — because every day they loom over me ready to sink their claws in me and drag me down the dark rabbit hole.

Another reason I have been laying low is because I’ve been trying to avoid what I think God is asking of me now… It wasn’t until a few weeks ago at my Women’s Bible Study that I felt like God was smacking me right on the forehead and shaking me to the core…in our study through the Book of Numbers — the speaker explained that “Slow obedience is disobedience.” I felt like the speaker was looking and speaking directly at me..God clearly speaking through her message — specifically to me that no matter how much I’m trying to avoid eye contact with Him — He sees me anyway and there is no where I can go that He won’t find me…that I need to stop laying low and start stepping up…

God revealed Himself to Moses through a burning bush…while I don’t get anything as cool…what I have been getting more and more of recently is God revealing to me things that He wants me to share…specific verses will come to me (and since I haven’t memorized very many I know they have to be from Him) that I strongly feel led to write down…and once my pen hits the paper…His words continue to flow out…and before I realize it half an hour — sometimes more will have gone by before I stop and realize that God has A LOT that He wants me to share…

God wants ME to share…not for me to write down and pass along to someone else to deliver…and I’ve been fighting  Him and going back and forth with Him — because like Moses I keep asking Him, “Who am I that you should send me?” The Enemy is quick to jump in and whisper “You are no body…you have nothing worth sharing…you’re just another cancer patient…nothing special…no one cares what you have to say…” And it brings to the forefront all the years of hurt and rejection from my younger years…when I was told I was not enough…that nothing I can do will ever be good enough because someone can say it better, write it be better, tell it better, explain it better…BE better than everything I am right now…The Enemy whispers, “What are you trying to prove? You think you’re so much better than everyone else..but you aren’t…”

And yet in the middle of the Enemy’s attacks — God STILL reminds me that I am worthy, loved and created for a purpose…on really bad days when I feel giving in to the lies, God grabs my attention and says: “Trust me — I have something in store for you!” I’m not forgotten and I cannot forget that God has always, always, always brought me through any challenge put before me.  God reminds me that the Enemy will throw anything and anyone in my path to derail me and get me to doubt myself to keep me from pushing forward and bringing Him glory….to keep me so distracted and wrapped up in drama that I lose sight of the greater plan than God wants me to carry out…so if the Enemy is trying THIS hard to keep me down…I have to take it as a sign that the Enemy is terrified and threatened of what God is trying to do through me…

God is calling me out of my comfort zone…where I am very happy to lay low and not draw attention to myself….and the thought of stepping out is not something I want to do…God is starting to reveal to me WHAT he wants me to do…but He hasn’t yet revealed the HOW I’m supposed to do it…and this is where I need to ask for your help…Will you pray with me and for me?

Father God, I am terrified of what you are asking of me…You are asking me to do something bigger than I believe I am capable of doing…Father God, why me? Why not someone else? Someone with more experience…someone better at this than me? Are you sure it’s me you want to send? Let someone else take this…because it seems impossible…yet you are the God of the Impossible…and if this is what you want..what you are really want…then I’ll do it…

This post originally appeared on Breathing Again. It is republished with permission.