Unbelievable to me that my last chemotherapy infusion was 2 years ago on May 1st. I can stand for it and remember it with time but during the process, I was so depressed and sad. I did not know how to communicate or process what was happening to me so I just kind of sat and smiled and tried to be normal. This week, I do not feel well a big awesome vacation and overeating and it reminds me of the feelings during chemo. This is layering in some PTSD and also making me feel that I should be up and at ’em just being so happy to not be on chemo.
But that being said, I am still so happy to not be undergoing chemotherapy though I am on a “chemo” pill with Ibrance clinical trial but I only have 42 pills left! So month 22 is done and I have month 23 and 24 left.
I have been vocal about sharing my story but lately, I have found myself writing less and less. I find myself so busy with enjoying life, making memories and being present in the moment that writing and sharing and creating Instagram and other social media posts is less and less important to me. It is sad because I do miss the community and the relationships I have built but in building these relationships, I have also built a nonprofit that provides real support and help for those dealing with life after a cancer diagnosis.
I get lost sometimes, myself and confused as to what I want to be or how I want to be with my nonprofit, my life, my plans and then I remember that I am just so damn grateful to have options, to be with my babies (who, to me, at 11 and 8 are still babies) and to figure out how to give back without giving away my soul, my peace of mind and my peace.
When I browse on Insta now, I see these amazing posts and I just feel like I do not have it in me to do it to prepare it — I spend so much of my time documenting my life with photos especially on my recent road trip, magical vacation but I was not compelled to post not even one. I posted on my stories, though, about, “If you take a great picture and do not post it to social media, is the picture still great?” I got awesome feedback and friends asking how I am and where I have been, and I will always pop in and out and keep those relationships, but the posting is my issue…
This is something that is so true for most of us — we live in a time where people share so much and so dang professionally but there is still my voice that wants to be heard that wants to try to make a difference about breast cancer and how it is a dirty rotten thief that comes out of nowhere…
I will continue always to blog but I am not sure what I will do with other social media — my blogs will not be consistent, they will flow when the moment pulls me. I know so many people are moving away from reading and into visual content, videos etc., but to me, the written word is my favorite method of communicating so this is the only way I want to move forward, for now.
How do you calm your soul and let things go? Will you continue to read my posts and learn with me how to manage being a supermom post breast cancer, a wife, job seeker, nonprofit founder, small-business owner, writer, etc…I am a definitely multiple personality person…lol.